Most of my posts so far have been about food, which is obviously a big part of anyone’s life – I mean, it touches your mouth at least three times a day. That has to be a pretty intimate relationship. I don’t kiss just anyone. ;) Haha, but I really did mean for this blog to not only display my affection for cooking, but also to hold my more personal written thoughts.
I have spent the last hour reading through the backlogs of my livejournal. I so love doing this. It’s a reminder to myself of what I was thinking at a particular point in time, and it’s pretty amazing how words can make you feel incredible things – reminisce a first kiss, a silly moment, a time of stress or grief – like they happened only moments ago.
So I went to my entry from exactly one year ago and it struck me as very interesting, because guess what I was doing? I was reading my backlog! I am so inescapably myself, it’s scary.
May 11, 2009:
I was looking through my backlogs, as usual, and I noticed a trend in my journal entries: Number one, they are getting shorter. Numbah too, they are slightly less emo. (That’s a good thing). Numbez thzee, youtube videos and one-liners aren’t really journal entries and I want to write-write more. I kinda want to blame it on Facebook for making me think in little segments, post what’s cool at the moment, make announcements, or other small things that a journal is not for.
Here I am complaining about how I don’t write-write anymore. I also mention how I want to have REAL conversations, and that I worry too much. Well, one year later, I have to say – I feel more at peace. Maybe it’s been my year living here in Ohio, surrounded by nature and fresh air. I’ve been given so much time to think, just relax, go on hikes because I have time to, and play with animals. It’s been lonelier than my other years though, because it’s my first year out of college and I left most of my friends. I take some comfort in that my college friends who are graduating this year will go through the same thing. It’s not really schadenfreude but more an assurance to myself that what I’m going through is normal. But I’ve truly enjoyed my year as a working girl in a totally different environment. It’s proven so many things to myself. I mean, it kicked off with a breakup and ended in triumph — acceptance to graduate school — life has been good to me.
As far as my growth in one year, I now own two blogs, this one which I update almost on a daily basis; I “write” on my Facebook and Twitter. I still worry about a tremendous amount of things, but I feel more confident in myself in that I can handle life. I can take control. And I’ve been having good conversations – a hefty chunk of that has been with my friend Sean, and without embarrassing him, I really love having him to talk to. I also expect to have more meaningful talks as I return to see my high school barkada after what is a little shy of three whole years apart.
I ended last year’s entry with this: What am I looking for?
I’m still not sure sometimes. But I’m learning that the journey is the destination. Which sounds very mature of me doesn’t it? Hahaha. I’m growing up, but I still have a long way to go! It’s a nice thing being able to say that.